So, today I feel we need a little honesty. I am one of those that believes that honesty is the best policy. Even when it comes to myself and my feelings. I would rather that someone be honest with me than lie to me. What is the point of lying? I know I used to do it when I was younger, thinking it was cool and I was actually getting away with something. But, I know better now. So, let’s roll up our sleeves today, get down to the nitty-gritty ok!? Are you ready for it? I know truly I’m not, but I need to!
Isn’t that saying so true? We need to be honest with ourselves before we can be honest with anyone else. How can we be honest with anyone if we aren’t honest with ourselves first? I mean we can be honest with others, but lie to ourselves. But, then are we really being honest? What a thought! I don’t think we really are. We are still being fake.
I know I’ve been fake. I can be honest with the best of them. Ask me a question, I’ll tell you like it is. I can speak my mind and tell you what needs to be said. But, ask me something about myself, ask me something about me medically, spiritually, physically, anything. BAH!! HAHAHA! I am going to tell you everything is fine, I’m great, nothing is wrong, it’s smelling of roses over here. The sun is always shining over here, never any rain, never any anything! Now come on! Who am I fooling? Me? You? We all know that isn’t true. You look at me like ok, that is great. But, do you truly believe me? I secretly hope that you don’t. But, I will make you believe me until I know you know it’s the truth. But, in the back of my head I’m like…how could they really believe that line of bull shit I just fed them? Then I go and get mad at that person! When the real person I should be mad at is myself because I did not reach out and ask for the help. I make excuses on why I should be mad, I gave them signs, did they not see the look in my eyes? Did I not show it in my voice? Did I not show it in my body? Like I should expect the people to know these signs I’m giving and read my mind!
So, in FULL disclosure today! I am struggling! Spiritually, physically, and any other way you can think of! You just don’t know how much it took for me to write that statement! To me I just showed weakness! How dare I do that. I am supposed to be the strong one, I am not to show any type of weakness whatsoever! BULL SHIT! I need to show it sometime, right? I can’t always be strong, right? I need to let someone see it sometime, right? Is Satan trying to get in my head again? Trying to tell me that I am wrong with these thoughts? Sometimes I just don’t know.
God wants me to forgive something that has happened over the weekend. I want to tell you right now. I don’t want to. I want to stew in the hurt, the pain, the anger. Do I know better? Yup! Do I know I need to listen to God over this? Yup! Am I taking a temper tantrum? You bet! Do I feel like a 2 yr old right about now? You bet! I will get there I know I will, but I know God wants me to do it now. And here comes my bratty self again!
Also, over the past week, I feel that the one place that I had come to feel safe for allowing myself to start being myself has been broken. I feel so………….confused by it right now. I don’t know how to feel about it, how to process it, how react to it, how to tell those that are in that place about it. It is all very confusing. I don’t usually allow myself a place of trust. I don’t allow myself to open and be me, to show even if it is just a slice of me to anyone, any vulnerability. Because I have allowed this I am bewildered and shocked and don’t know how to process it all right now.
I have been feeling so very emotional as of late. I hate it! I am not an emotional type of person. I hate feeling, I hate having to figure it all out. Just because I have given back my life to God, doesn’t mean I want to be an emotional person. Does this mean that I have to be an emotional person now? Ugh!
So, how was your week? Are you struggling? How are you with honesty? How honest are you with yourself? How honest are you with others?
Now I know this is not the subject I promised over the weekend! I will get there but this one was one that was brewing and felt that needed to be talked about!