I was thinking of this post since last night. Thinking on how I should write this post, what should I put in it. Should I sugar coat it? Should I be raw and real? Should I even write this post at all? Should I just stay silent and not post anything until I’m out of this? I figured I owed you all a little something. Since that is what I have promised you all. I have posted before that there are going to be days where I am not going to want to post anything, if I haven’t posted that prior than I’m sorry and I’m posting that now. There are going to be times that I need a bit of a break of trying to come up with some posts to post. Sometimes I just don’t have things to write and that is when I don’t write anything. Why feed you something when I don’t have anything to write at all? Why fake it? That isn’t fair to you all, and it isn’t fair to me.
So, yesterday as I was watching a TV show I was watching a woman who reminded me of me. Here I am turning 43 on Saturday and I don’t have much to show for my life. I cannot get a job, never had one. I’ve been a stay at home mom since I graduated from high school, my kids, my husband, marriage, Army have always come first. Always have and still do. Well, the exception is the Army now! If something was to happen to my husband today and I had to take care of myself for the rest of my life I could not do it! I would not be able to get a job! I know that I volunteered when he was in the Army for 10 yrs but that doesn’t seem to matter. I am the only person in my family that does not own their own home. My little brother has his own home! I am ready for me, but when I think about me I feel so selfish.
Since Monday of last week I have been in a quagmire of depression. Not wanting to do anything. When I get into a depression I close up and withdraw inside myself and I just sit there and drown myself in myself. I found out last weekend that something that mattered to me immensely and should matter to someone else does not mean anything to them. I am trying to figure out what do to about it, and how to go from there. It blows my mind that the one person that should care doesn’t. It’s hard to see the end of something that you have had your whole life in. I just pray that it is not the end and there is still hope in it and that there is still fighting left in them.
I know I should feel like this:
But I feel more like this:
So, now you know why I haven’t written in a bit. I do apologize, I know you all would like for me to be a bit more consistent I am trying. There are days were I cannot come up with anything to write, and there are days I just can’t write. Just know I will be back and I will be writing!